Adrian Albert Mole

2nd April 1967

Leicester, England

1 The Old Pigsty
The Piggeries
Bottom Field
Lower Lane
Mangold Parva
Leicestershire

5 feet seven inches

10 Stones eight pounds {in 1989}

Married {but only just}

Mr and Mrs George Mole
2 The Old Pigsty
The Piggeries etc.etc.
{an alarming proximity}

• Novelist (unpublished: see enclosed literary CV for explanation)
• Poet (ditto)
• Playwright (unperformed)
• Fluent in Antiquarian Book Phraseology
• Offal Cheffing
• Parenting
• Proficient in cycling (major village-town commute)

Senior Bookseller and Assistant Manager — Carlton-Hayes’

Second-hand and Antiquarian Books; High Street, Leicester
{takings last week: £132.69}

Catering Manager – Eddie’s Tea Bar

{Two months frying burgers and changing the Calor-gas cylinder in an A46 lay-by. I couldn’t forget Eddie’s warning words on my first day: ‘You’ll never shake off the stink of the fat, lad. It makes it ‘ard to get a woman outside the trade.’}

Turkey Operative (Seasonal) — Mr Nobby Brown, Poulterer

{plucking recently deceased birds with six cackling women in an ill-lit shed}

Presenter of Offaly Good! (Pie Crust Productions) —Millennium Channel, Wednesdays, 10.30 a.m

(Co-presenter Dev Singh)

— I realised that cooking offal and/or television presenting was not my forte.
{It was the review from A.A. Gill in the Times:

‘Offally Good! is offally bad. A wooden presenter, Adrian Mole, stumbles and bumbles his way through twenty minutes of Crossroads-quality TV. We watch with horrible fascination as he makes sheep’s head broth. After twenty minutes Mole produces a pot of grey liquid, on the surface of which floats a layer of scum.’

And the G2 section of the Guardian:

‘Dev’s dazzling wit and uproarious physical comedy is in glorious contrast to the dour televisual presence of Adrian Mole, a pedant from Middle England.’

}

Head Chef (Offal) at Hoi Polloi, Dean Street, London

— I was reviewed in the national press: A.A. Gill in the Sunday Times

{The memory still hurts:

‘The sausage on my plate could have been a turd: it looked like a turd, it tasted like a turd, it smelled like a turd, it had the texture of a turd. In fact, thinking about it, it probably was a turd.’

}

Assistant Chef at Savages, Dean Street, London

{washer upper, vegetable chopper}

Security consultant — Bell Safe, Evington, Leicester

{Three weeks selling alarms door to door for the alluring Bellinda Bellingham. A low point in my life. My sales patter started: ‘Don’t you think your family deserves more protection from the dark forces of evil that are at large in our community?’}

Civil Service Scientific Officer Grade One — Department of the Environment – Wildlife, Oxford

— Newt Development Officer, with later responsibility for Badgers and Natterjack toads

{sacked due to bogus biology A level certificate}

Library Assistant — Leicester Central Lending Library

— I left after a dispute over Jane Austen with Miss Froggatt, the head librarian. I still maintain that her work is romantic fiction and does not belong in the literary stacks

Folder delivery boy — Mr Cherry’s Newsagent

— Resigned after Mr Cherry attempted to pervert me with free copies of Big n’ Bouncy

• Writing/Directing/Producing/Training actor-dogs for the Mangold Parva Community Play
• Chairman of the Leicestershire and Rutland Writers Group
  {Two members remaining}
• I am perpetually surrounded by needy pensioners

{inadequate due to parental indifference and lack of Anglepoise lamp}

• Writing
• Reading
• Purchasing Stationary
• Letter Writing
• Contemplating Nature

{Depressingly, I am tempted to add bickering with wife, eating crab paste sandwiches and satisfying mild addiction to both Starburst (formerly Opal Fruits) and hardcore Nurofen. Is this the summation of my life so far?}

Mr. Hugh Carlton-Hayes

Antiquarian Bookseller

Dr. Pandora Braithwaite MP

(with whom I once shared a flat in Oxford)