Principal characters

ANIMAL

Monstrously strong builder helping George and Pauline Mole to renovate The Piggeries. cont

BANKS, Les

A very unlucky builder contracted to work on the roof of Rampart Terrace. cont

BAXTER, Bert

Belligerent and filthy 89-year-old communist who has sworn not to die until capitalism is destroyed; eventually becoming the oldest man in Leicester. cont

BELLINGHAM, Belinda

George Mole’s glacial new partner/employer, the managing director of a burglar alarm company with questionable sales tactics. cont

BLUNT, Ken

Long-serving member of the Leicestershire and Rutland Creative Writing Group, specializing in rabidly anti-American polemic. cont

BOND, Johnny

Travel agent at Latesun Ltd who steadfastly refuses to refund a £57.10 deposit for Adrian’s cancelled holiday. cont

BOTT, Sharon

Adrian’s second girlfriend and the mother of his son, Glenn. ‘A provincial dullard working in a laundry’, in the harsh assessment of the 18-year-old Adrian. cont

BRAITHWAITE, Tania

Mother of Pandora. A pretentious well-groomed bohemian who later loses her dress sense after a mild stroke. cont

BROWN, Mr

Adrian’s boss in the Newt Section at the Department of the Environment in Oxford. cont

De WITT, Leonora

Beautiful Gestalt psychotherapist, with long flowing ‘midnight river’ hair and no shortage of clients suffering from transference. cont

DOG, New

Replacement for the original Dog. Adrian is secretly less fond of it, believing it to lack character. cont

Dog, The

The Mole dog, never given a proper name by family tradition cont

FLOOD, Eleanor

Glenn’s neurotic home-tutor, head of remedial studies at the Keith Joseph Academy. cont

FLOWERS, Daisy

Half-sister of Marigold. Darkly fascinating London-based PR to the famous who claims to be ‘the author of my own life’. cont

FLOWERS, Marigold

A thirty-something on-the-shelf depressive who works at Country Organics and accidentally becomes Adrian’s girlfriend. cont

FLOWERS, Michael

Father of Marigold; the scratchy-sweatered proprietor of Country Organics and counter-tenor in the Madrigal Society. cont

FLOWERS, Netta

Mother of Marigold, uncommitted wife of Michael. Incredibly pink, she resembles a very pretty pig. cont

FLOWERS, Poppy

Sister of Marigold. Scientologist maths teacher whose distinguishing feature and main reason for living is her extraordinarily long hair. cont

Geilgud

Evil leader of a disruptive flock of swans at Rat Wharf, named after his resemblance to the classical English actor. cont

Graham

Nigel Hetherington’s guide dog. The only living thing he has ever truly loved and a better friend to him than Adrian ever was. cont

HACKER, Angela

Celebrity novelist and drinker, teaches Adrian ‘Writing for Pleasure’ at the Faxos Institute, Faxos. cont

HOPKINS, Bernard

Very temporary assistant at Carlton-Hayes’ Books. A hopelessly drunk ex-bookseller and one of the most politically incorrect men in Leicester… cont

Ivan

Tastelessly named replacement for the NEW DOG, which died on Christmas Day 2001, or was ‘killed’ by Adrian, according to his parents. cont

Justine

Adrian’s Soho confidante, with all the latest gossip. cont

KENT, Barry

Adrian’s nemesis and tormenter. School bully and local yob leader. cont

KENT, Edna

Mother of Barry Kent. Toilet cleaner; later secretary to Pandora Braithwaite, courtesy of an access course and two degrees. cont

LEMON, Rick

Socially conscious leader of the ‘Off the Streets’ youth club, where he encourages Adrian to be an individual and throw off his petit-bourgeois shackles cont

Leslie

Mr Carlton-Hayes’ partner, of whom Adrian knows absolutely nothing, except that she/he is reportedly not as keen on books as Mr Carlton-Hayes. cont

LUCAS, Mrs

Estranged wife of Mr Lucas who left him for another woman. cont

Luigi

The very Italian Maître d’ of Hoi Polloi. Has been in the business twenty-seven years… cont

Malcolm

Dishwasher at Hoi Polloi. Illiterate, but believes Tony Blair’s new regime will teach him all he needs to know. cont

MANCINI, Hamish

Adrian’s American ‘holiday friend’ who becomes an unwanted pen pal and guest. cont

MILKSOP, Gary

Over-sensitive, tetchy member of the Leicestershire and Rutland Writing Group. cont

MOLE, George

Adrian’s father. His many episodes of hospitalization, depression, unemployment and erectile dysfunction have taken their toll. cont

MOLE, Jo Jo

African Princess. Heiress to her mother’s Nigerian lorry tyre conglomerate. cont

MOLE, Pauline (née Sugden)

Adrian’s mother is a mass of contradictions; an ardent feminist in the early eighties, she nevertheless still tends to define herself by the men in her life. cont

MOLE, Rosie

Adrian’s much younger sister. Since the day he witnessed her birth she has been a worry to him. cont

MOLE, Susan

Adrian’s aunt. A prison officer at Holloway, smokes Panama cigars and is partner to the glamorous and sexy Gloria. cont

MOLE, William

Adrian’s young son by Jo Jo. Obsessed with teletubbies and ‘motoring oaf’ Jeremy Clarkson… cont

MUFFETT, Martin

Wilbur Smith-loving engineering student who holds Adrian and all intellectuals in contempt. cont

PALMER, Cassandra

Shaven headed wife of Christian; absent directing a film on mutilation in LA, where she learns to function on the cutting edge of politically correct. cont

PALMER, Christian

Adrian’s live-in landlord/boss. An undercover popular-culture academic with three precocious children and a babysitting problem. cont

PARVEZ, Mohammed

Adrian’s friend and financial adviser. A realist who lives within his means, choosing to work from a bedroom office with Postman Pat wallpaper. cont

Queenie

Bert Baxter’s new wife, described by Adrian as ‘one of those loud types of old lady that dyes her hair and tries to look young’. cont

SABRE

Bert Baxter’s irritable, vicious Alsatian. Fellow Alsatians cower as he passes by. cont

SAVAGE, Kim

Peter Savage’s estranged wife, a former society florist from the East End with no intention of taking elocution lessons. cont

SAVAGE, Peter

Adrian’s boss; a rotund celebrity alcoholic with a Bob Hoskins accent. cont

SINGH FAMILY

The Mole family’s new next-door neighbours, temporary carers for Bert Baxter. cont

SINGH, Dev

Eye-rolling, double-entendre loving Sikh co-presenter of Offally Good! cont

STAINFORTH, Robbie

Glenn Mole’s best friend, a shy 18-year-old fellow soldier in the Royal Logistics Corps. cont

SUGDEN, Mr & Mrs

Adrian’s maternal grandparents. Norfolk potato farmers incapable of enjoying themselves unless something is being harvested or slaughtered. cont

TAIT, Archie

Ancient, ascetic revolutionary socialist, with one leg and one lung. Gravely ill and lives alone with his cat, Andrew. cont

TWYSLETON-FYFE, Julian

Pandora’s horse-faced gay husband. Amiably studying Chinese at Oxford, but doesn’t intend to sit his finals. cont

WONG, Wayne

Adrian’s old school friend; the cynical owner of the best Chinese restaurant in town, the Imperial Dragon (Wong’s), the only place Adrian really feels at home. cont